How Perimenopause Made Me Understand my Mother.
“The final stage of being a woman is understanding your mother”:
I think I finally understand what this statement means. It is not an excuse for all hurtful behaviour-kind- of- statement, but one that acknowledges that it takes you going through womanhood and its experiences to finally empathise with and understand your mother. For example, I now understand the perils and trials that come with having a teenage hormonal daughter and a hormone wrecking perimenopausable mother living under the same roof! Makes for some epic bickering and fights. I remember my friend and i nicknaming my mum shortgun shortrange!
For a very long time I tried to understand what made my mother pack up and leave her violent marriage after several years of unspeakable violence and cruelty. I tried to understand what it was that changed, after all it was not the first time she had left but eventually came back to more of the same or even worse? The previous fight that night had not been any worse than what she and we as her children had endured over the years. Yes there was broken glass and blood everywhere, but that was not unusual. Maybe i missed the clue, you see my step-dad always did this thing where he would threaten with a less than enthusiastic attempt to kill himself if mum tried to leave despite having just tried to kill her! What made her finally say enough is enough even though she knew that she would be made to pay heavily for that decision. Also around the same time, it dawned on me that despite my stepdad being very vocal about his birthday and celebrations( god help you if you did not remember), we never really celebrated our mothers birthday, heck, we did not even know when it was. Infact i only learned when it was after her death when we got her driving license because the picture was to be used on her death and funeral announcement! But that's a story for another day on how as women we lose so much of our identity in marriage and parenthood!
To find an answer to my question since she is not alive for her to answer it herself, I did the math and had my Aha moment. She had just turned 41! That time when a woman realises that she has given it her all, while gaining nothing at all. When you look around and ask what if I start betting on and choosing myself? All made easier because the people pleasing, all self-sacrificing, waiting for things to change hormone that is estrogen is depleting leaving you finally seeing things clearly with absolutely zero fucks to give. I finally got it, she chose herself consequences be damned and i can not fault her for it.
The things I did not understand or found funny or radical at the time finally make sense. When her children were being used as a weapon against her, she made the heartbreaking decision to grant their father full custody, given that he had blocked all avenues for her to be economically independent and had resulted in stalking and intimidation. I watched as she supported her sisters, often going above and beyond, something she had been denied for years. I watched as she religiously followed and found joy in watching the bold and the beautiful on telly. I quickly discovered that like me she was a Michael Bolton fan and I enjoyed the rare times we both belted out his songs when they were on the telly. I marveled as she enjoyed watching football matches and laughed out loud when her sister introduced her to Lucky Dube, whom they wrongly called Lucky Duble as they belted out his songs. I now cherish the rare moments when she opened up to me about her life before marriage, she was just a girl, full of hopes and dreams. I watched her choose herself and choose joy despite the many challenges and obstacles that were thrown her way. Of course at that time I did not see it that way, nor understand what was happening.
Today would have been her 76th birthday. I know that God’s plan is perfect and that He makes no mistakes. I would like to celebrate her acts of resistance and to finally say that mum, I now understand and I have kept your memory alive(all of it) and in the words of your granddaughter whenever something feels off: Grandma Jeniffer would not have stood for that!
